The last full moon, what one astrologer termed a "Monster Moon", had some tremendous affects on me. Whenever the moon is full, it is in "opposition" to the sun. Opposition is a hard aspect for any two planets in so much as they are at odds with each other for your attention. I know they try to scientifically explain the effects of full moons, but astrology has done that already. The Moons weapons are "emotion", while the Sun fights with its pride and ego. You can see how a full moon can be a chaotic affair.
This last full moon was conjunct with Uranus, planet of "surprises" and "change". Uranus moves things out fast. So this conjunction could be seen as "emotional surprises", in opposition to "pride and ego". As if that wasn't enough, Pluto sat at a 90 degree square to all three of these bodies. This is called a "square" aspect. It's considered stressful in astrology. Pluto rules the Underworld and brings out the hidden, the secret, the unexpressed.
This was the perfect storm. The week of the Uranus/Pluto square, Sept 19th saw many sad displays of stress; suicides, murders, random events of struggle and the frayed ends of sanity. This was only the beginning. As astrologers describe it, the Uranus/Pluto square was the dynamite, the full moon was the lighting of the fuse. It blew up in my face.
My relationship to my most beloved girlfriend ended the day after of the full moon, Sept 30. Tired of my inability to be who I truly am and frightened to be who she is not (sorry this is vague, I've been really getting to the bottom of it and it has taken over a week, I cannot explain it all here), she ended our affair. I was shocked (Uranus). I was emotional (full moon). I was angry (sun). It was something she had been testing me on, compiling, examining (pluto). I utterly failed her. But worse of all, I failed myself. I wasted 2 years denying what I really came here to do with my life. She was to be the one to save me from my self. I always knew it. My heart told me so the moment I saw her. But fear is a killer. Killer of dreams, killer of hopes, killer of potential and happiness. Fear ruined my relationship.
Shortly after this Monster Moon, Saturn transited through Libra (Sign of Relationships) and on into Scorpio. Saturn did it's job. It forced me to look at how my relationships work, what they do for me and why we have them. 3 major break ups during the 3 year transit of Saturn in Libra has been trying on my soul. I considered suicide on a repeated basis. I cried, I raged, I drank and sulked. I examined it from every angle with every tool I could muster:Reiki, massage, Theta healing, astrology, tarot, books on trauma, vibration, the quantum field. I have learned so much in 3 years because of this transit that surely I'd have it all figured out by now, right?! Only now, at the end do I truly understand...
Now that Saturn has moved on the Scorpio, I have more hope that what I've learned will be able to guide me in the future. Deeply understanding relationships and working (Saturn=work) on that has helped me in ways that I look forward to putting into practice. And now that I see this association, I have awareness of what the next transit will address. Scorpio is the sign of regeneration, birth and death (expect this change - astrologers aren't talking about it, but I think it's a definite possibility), reproduction. Scorpio is the sign ruled by Pluto. It's the deep dark recesses of ourselves and the hope that rebirth can bring. As a water sign myself, perhaps I will be better able to deal with this transit. In my natal chart, both the Moon and Uranus are located in my 7th House (ruled by Libra). This is just like it was at the end of Sept. so I think it was "cosmic" in nature and affected that House for me because that influence was prebuilt in to my chart. Everyone has a point of focus in their lives. It's evident in their birth chart. The more of them I do, the more I see how each of us is really here to do major work in specific areas. But we spend most of our lives unaware. We just "do our best" without real guidance. Without it, it can be difficult. Even with it, it's difficult, but at least I now have avenues of understanding. For me that's been really important.
How it will all turn out, I have no idea. Signals are mixed now and not very clear. On top of that, there's what I truly want and it clouds what's in front of me. That's been my problem the whole time. I don't believe that we are here to get what we want. In fact, "wanting" seems to be an impediment to growth because you cannot see and accept what you're being offered. Accept "The Plan" as it is. We're not taught that. We're taught to choose some goal and shoot for it. It's difficult now as I've spent a lot of time not doing what I feel has always been the right thing for me. If that's the case, is it too late? How hard will it be to change course now, to progress on the right path? Saturn in Scorpio says to keep fighting for what I want...
Just keep swimmin'...
No comments:
Post a Comment