Wednesday, October 22, 2014

Languish


I dreamed I was lying in my bed, sobbing quietly, but I'm not aware of why.

I awoke to find myself lying in my bed sobbing quietly.  That realization allowed me to let the rest of it go.  I still am unaware of why.  But it occurred to me: My subconscious and conscious were doing the same thing.  While I might like to think that somehow I've come "Full Circle", what I really think is that I'm back at the beginning.  Right where I began, having made zero progress at all.  I'm not weathering the Storm...I am the Storm.

Some days I just want to go Home.  I don't know the way anymore.

Tuesday, October 14, 2014

New things

I'm going to be trying some new things for this blog as well as create a new blog specifically for massage and health topics, so look for that soon. You will be able to subscribe to either one, so do that! Share your thoughts, experiences and make this a more interactive experience. I noticed that I did a blog post last year around this time when I first received my new Kona, with lots of Fall images. Seems the color this year has not been as spectacular as it was last year. I wonder what causes that. The riding however, has been equally good, if not better. This has been a great year for me for cycling, perhaps rivaling some of the years in CO, where riding was so abundant. But riding in CO took years to be a "great" experience. The learning curve was exceptionally steep, no pun intended. Riding in real mountains is a feat of utter strength, stamina and iron will. Many trails, especially those out West, were not built for cyclists. Over time as bikes became more used, trails were opened to cyclists, but the steep inclines and poor construction rendered them incredibly difficult. 30 years of mountain biking in earnest has begun to produce more cycling friendly trails. But coupled with the difficult terrain was the sheer lack of oxygen, this sea level rider took months to adapt! Once I got strong enough and built enough endurance, I found I didn't even have the proper equipment capable of riding much of Colorado's tough terrain. I went through 3 different bikes in 5 years, with many experiments in tires, suspension and clothing to find the right fit for all the opportunities that CO, UT, WY, AZ and NM provided. Though I never suffered serious injury, I sure shed a lot of blood in the Desert! I learned to be a tougher biker, to ride steep grades, jump off of ledges, ride faster, smoother, better. After about 3 years, I settled on this bike, the 6" travel Ellsworth Moment. It was stiff, heavy and had all the attributes I needed to climb, drop and repeat. Even this bike, though, was a compromise and since 2005, when I bought this bike, things have changed radically. I loved this bike though and rode it for at least 8 years, which in the life of an aluminum mountain bike is pretty good.


Riding Cowboy Trails in Las Vegas Nevada, some of the gnarliest desert riding I found

Segway past Nevada riding, which was just excellent, and on to Michigan, where it all began for me. The trails don't go up and down in large quantities, but they roll like a roller coaster, if they change at all. Equipment needed to change and thus last year I sold the Ellsworth and got a Kona Honzo steel framed hardtail 29er. The change is wheel size from the traditional 26" wheel of the 1980s was an excellent upgrade for MI trails and the "feeling" of the bike is so similar to the 6" travel bike that the changeover for me was quite seamless. :

Believe it or not, this is actually a Spring ride in MI, Easter to be exact
Well, that was a bit of round about way of coming to the images of the Fall riding I've been doing to tie in last year's post. So, here they are!





Thursday, April 17, 2014

That Neptune in Pisces thing

Neptune is currently at home in Pisces. It rules the imagination, deep waters of spirituality and dreams.  Since it settled there, I've noticed that my dreams have gotten more vivid. Often these dreams are about people I've known, lovers, family. It seems I'm dealing with past traumas in many dreams, sometimes though, they can be violent, disturbing, unpleasant. Those dreams I can actually pull myself out of.

Last night I dreamed of Wendy and she came to offer me deep, overdue Feminie healing, as only she could. Most of my relationship wounds began with her. It's likey that I've carried many of them forward because, looking back, I just didn't know how to deal with all of it properly and it coincided with a lot of deeper idealistic changes, physical changes, and so on. So, a lot of trauma. And, in looking back at my life, I rarely change just one thing at a time: I change everything all at once. Big steps on the journey, "spiritual sprints" along the life path.

I miss Wendy. She's my archetype for all others in my life. 10 other girls couldn't replicate all that she was to me. There have been moments, but nothing complete. Maybe I created that archetype around her. Ultimately all experiences and relations are personal and I wonder if we ever really KNOW another, just what we create around them and what we perceive them to be from our personal vantage. Makes it hard to live up to another's expectations. I bet we'd all agree that to be someone's expectation is a hard mission to accomplish.

Neptune will rest at home in Pisces until 2028, so expect this deep spiritual progression to continue for many years. We'll be in Deep Water for a while, so I suggest you Learn to Swim.

Friday, April 11, 2014

Dreams are the pits!

You always come to me in dreams. It's rarely ever pleasant, maybe once, but I truly can't recall. 

My life is in shambles since you've gone, nary a single aspect in order.  I keep trying to climb out, because that's what you do when you're at the bottom.  But I see no light to guide me, so I have no way of knowing in which direction I'm moving or if I'm really even moving at all.

In this last dream, I just surrendered to the madness. Meeting a homeless man rummaging through garbage for food, I decided to join him, to just drop out altogether.  Resisting has become so tiresome, and frankly, your lack of empathy has driven me here, leaving nothing to return to anyway: broken car with flat tires, empty savings, and just sadness.  A life utterly devoid. 

It clouds my whole day.  No amount of sunshine and blue skies lightens my mood.  God, I hate it here.  Looking back, I'm not quite certain that I haven't always, but there were moments, cold sand in the backyard sand box, blue oceans with dolphins along the bow.  Sure, it's nice to look at, but other than that...

Sunday, January 05, 2014

Gemini dreams under a Piscean moon





I just watched Michelle Williams portrayal of Marylin Monroe in "My Week with Marylin".  The representation reminded me so much of my wife, herself a Gemini; how similar they all seem.  Tortured, haunted, vivacious and captivating and oh so effervescent.  The tighter you try to cling, the faster they seem to slip away.  As the moon lies in Pisces, and with Neptune resting in its home sign, I expect to be "dreamy".  But this is different...something lingers in my mind, I can't find it, it's as delicate as that sad Gemini, it's love and loss rolled together, a lingering touch of skin, the scent of delicate hair and the suffering of being unable to stop it from going.  I lived that story, captivated by my own Marylin.  Missing them both today.



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